I have been through a lot in my life. A lot. 

But this seriously has been the longest week of my life. With one of the worst 48-hour periods, if not THE worst. 

But let’s review the basic outline of my life since last Sunday starting at 9pm EST:

• Did the Sunday overnight (did not sleep ..or the night before for that matter)
• Thought I got dismissed from my job Monday morning
• Nose dived/free fell into a whole other dimension of low and F.I.(I.)N.E.** I did not know existed
• Therapy Tuesday afternoon
• Talked with my boss/clarified misinterpretation of miscommunication/aka found out I still had my job(and place to live)
• Found out I was going back to day shifts
• Worked 34 straight hours (Tuesday 10pm-Thursday 8am)
• Caught up on grown-up duties on Thrusday
• Worked a very intense 12hr shift today

** F=fucked up, I=insecure and/or insane, N= neurotic, E=emotional

Work: 56 hours vs Sleep: 12 hours (holy fuck putting it like that DAMN)

As soon as I’m done writing this NIGHT NIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS

The best way I can describe the 48 hours when I thought I had lost my position is I felt as if someone I was extremely close to (i.e mother, best friend) died.

It was a hell I hope I don’t experience for a VERY VERY VERY long time.

However, it was a necessary hell. The fear, the charge, the power that came from that (albeit positive or negative) was exactly what I needed.

I’m still fucking depressed as hell, but I have a completely new perspective. I realized how much I have to learn, work on, and continually do. (What Tuesday’s Just For Today’s reading was did not escape my attention. I legit snorted.)

Also, the fact I am going back to day shifts is HUGE. That is going to help me so much. I worked the overnights I did because I had to, out of short staffing, not because I wanted to. In fact, I hate working overnights, and they are the worst shift for me to work.  

I feel like I am making no sense, and lack anything resembling coherency (thank god for spellcheck yo) but I needed to put this out there.

Maybe one day I’ll learn…and remember what I learn (but let’s not go crazy now).

As for now, I’ll take the fucking blows upside the head from my HP, and strive to take it day by day.

(no matter how much you wish they would)

Quite frankly this week (since Tuesday at least) has sucked. 

My anxiety has taken a turn for the worst, and I can’t remember it ever being this bad. It’s been a struggle to leave my house.

I have social anxiety, I have learned to adapt and cope in most of my everyday situations. That’s not anything new at this point.

But the monsoon I’ve been trying to stay afloat in, is. I am now having this fear around being around people in general. Even people I know. I couldn’t go to a closing for one of my favorite staff members at the shelter I volunteer at, or my homegroup, because just thinking about being around all those people had me on the verge of a panic attack.

Everything came to a head on Thursday. I had a doctor’s appointment (again) to see what is wrong with me. The place I went to wasn’t exactly empty, and I think I was making the staff a little worried that I was going to flip. I know I had to look shady and suspicious as fuck. Oh well, I survived. But basically, there is nothing medically wrong with me that people can find. I have had multiple blood tests, x-rays, exams, other tests, and nothing can be found. The doctor I saw on Thursday left me with this, my ankles are “gumby” (she actually fucking said that, numerous times), some of the symptoms are probably a lasting side effect from a med I was on for years (years ago), and I needed to lose weight. 

What I took from this (and still do) I am the one causing all of my current problems. I am the one causing such severe pain I have to be put on bed rest, I have to limit all physical movement, I have had to give things up. I, for some fuckingunknown reason, have decided to put myself through hell again. Awesome.

The weight comment hurt. A lot. I am a healthy person, my weight is really the only physical problem of mine that I have any part in. (can’t really control my thyroid or hormones, sorry) I am making an effort to change that, I have been losing weight. But just the way she delivered that piece of advice hurt.

So I basically came home and had a nice little healthy breakdown. Sobs, hyperventilating, the whole shebang. (wowwww) It wasn’t the weight thing that set it off, it was the fact I have somehow screwed myself over again. Cause that’s what I do best. 

That’s what caused the mood to nosedive, the anger to occur, the panic attack. The chaos of almost losing control.

Because even though I am okay with where I am in life, I no longer hate myself, and have working to make positive changes, somethings never change.

If something isn’t wrong in my life, if the other shoe has no reason to drop. I make it.

Even years later, and my god, does that fucking hurt like none other.  

I am sorry if I sound like a whiny bitch, I just needed to get this out somewhere. …but my blog, right?