I should just not do things where you have to do shit every day. Oh well, I still try. That’s the point right. =P

Why the hell are goals a theme in my life right now? ANYWAYS

1. Don’t let the depression win 2. Accept my limitations 3. Reach out to people 4. Move to Washington 5. Be content

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What motivated me to enter recovery? 

That’s an odd question. I hit my bottom. I had been so fucking emotionally, and I now know spiritually, bankrupt that I couldn’t live anymore. I was going to snap and probably kill myself. That’s how I entered the program. Note to people: So-dry-ity or being a dry drunk if hell. If you’re not using, work some sort of something. Otherwise you’ll be fucked. At least I was.

Why I stopped using? I had known I had a problem, growing up in the rooms does that to you, but I crossed one to many lines. The last one I did was I stole from my family. I took my grandmother’s pain killers. My self disgust had hit an all time high. I was done.

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Thinking about changing myself can lead to some dangerous territory for me sometimes.  But I’ll go with what popped into my head first.

1. My body. 2. My limitations. 3. My depression. 

If I could go back and tell myself something before I developed my addictions what would I say? I don’t think the disorder applies since I have had them since as long as I can remember. 

I got hooked the first time, I got hooked on the mental escape drugs (& alcohol) provided the first time. So I think I would tell myself there are other ways to escape. Looking back on my situation I’m not sure what else would have worked, but I would hope an eight year old could have found something else. 

I would tell myself (if I did pick up) it is a disease, making all who are affected sick people. Making me a sick person, not a fucked up piece of shit. 

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Who do I look up to?

I look up to my Mom. She is the healthiest person I know. She has one of the strongest programs. The biggest hearts. The most level head. She truly is an inspiration to me. She may not have her dream life, she may not be happy everyday, but as she herself says, she’s content. Something I have yet to fully be. She is someone I aspire to be. She has what I want someday. She has her faults, she is human. She knows that and embraces that.

Want vs. Need. 

What do I need?  

I need to accept my body. I may like who I am, but I don’t like what I am. I need to accept what I am right now. It’s not a want, it is a need.

I need to keep combatting fear based actions. I need to speak up more, and reach out to more sober people. I am social, it would just be nice to show that to people who still think I’m socially inept. …which I am, but not as much as they think.

Want? 

I want to move now, but I can’t. I wish I could just pack a bag and hop on a plane, but I can’t. It’s something I have to remind myself everyday.

I want to go to a show in NYC, but it sold out. I’m really fucking bitter over it. But I will try and find another show this summer in NYC so I can have one last trip down there. 

Write a letter to someone who has harmed you or made you feel bad. This could be a lot of people. I’ve had my fair share of pain at another’s hands. But that’s not who has inflicted the most pain or hurt on me. I did it to myself. So, I shall write a letter to myself. It’s probably going to be awkward and weird, but it’s challenging. HA.

So self. I am just curious about why you have given us such pain over our twenty years, why you seemed to add to what was already too much pain to bear. I really don’t get it. I mean, you were sick, that’s the obvious answer. But I think it was more than that. I think it was the fact you were scared. You were scared of the power you could have. You were scared of being okay, cause you knew being hurt was going to happen soon enough so why even lift yourself up? So you kept us down. I think that’s what fueled a lot of your pain, is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown. Fear of being happy. Don’t lie, you knew that has been one of our biggest fears so maybe that’s why you cause so much pain. Fear makes us all do fucked up things. But I’m glad that fear is gone. I’m glad we are okay now, and that you don’t cause me nearly as much pain; and the pain you do, is by a conscious choice. (wow does THAT sound masochistic) I’m glad we are on good terms. I’m glad you have healed. I’m glad we have healed. 

I cannot keep on track for anything. Oi.

Day Four made me think. It’s about if you have harmed other people with your addictions and disorders how did you, or plan to, make amends to them. Ironically I am on my Ninth Step right now, which is about making amends to those we have harmed. To me, yeah formal amends are great, but living amends are much more important in my opinion. Every day I am doing something to combat the wrongs I have done in the past. It’s typically being honest, or open. It ranges but I am just acting in opposite of what I did while using. The same goes for my mental health, I have to act opposite to what I have done in the past. I am not letting my depression take control, I am trying to be more social, I am telling people how I feel and I say in a non-aggressive way, I take my medications. These are things that I haven’t always done in the past, and by harming myself, I harmed others. So I make a living amends to those people by staying on top of my illness’.

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Day Five also made me think. How do I want to be remembered? Honestly, I’m not sure I do. Not me as a person. Maybe something I helped start or helped out. Thinking about how I want to be remembered is a topic I don’t think I should think about, to me the question is all about my ego, and that I don’t need at the moment. I just want to help while I’m here, and help places that I believe in continue to help. 

I, as a person, don’t want to be remembered for anything. I just want to help and make a difference while I’m here, while I can. 

wow, I messed up on the second day! Hello new record! =P

So Day two is things I have done to help myself with my addictions and disorders:

Addictions: I’ve gone to AA, I’ve gotten honest, I’ve gotten a sponsor, I’ve gotten a home group, service positions, supports, gotten out of myself.

Mental Health: I’ve gotten honest, I’ve started being responsible with my medication & with keeping myself emotionally healthy, I’ve self-advocated, I always aired on the side of caution so things didn’t get out of control, I work on being more open to others, I haven’t given up on myself, I’ve also tried to get out of my own head most days.

the two of them are so interwoven that I can’t tell which is the cause and effect. It doesn’t really matter now does it?

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Day Three is three things I like about myself. (even though I like who I am, I still hate these questions)

I like my humor, and how I can make people laugh. 

I like my open-mindedness and how I accept people for who they are.

and

I like how I now think I am a decent person, who is worth not giving up on.

BelieveInRecovery has started a phenomenal 30 recovery challenge so I though it would be fitting to wait til my two years to start. So today is write a letter to my addiction or disorder (or both) and I did it a litte different that what I have seen. But we are all unique in our perspective right? 

Hello? Is that even the proper greeting to you? We are still intertwined as we will be for life, except you don’t strangle me today. Today I am in control. I have accepted the fact we will always be linked together, and I have even come to believe it is for the better. Without your dual diagnosed, cross addicted ways I would never be who I am. We were the best of friends once, though I knew it was never in a healthy, or positive way. I knew I was co-dependent upon you, and that you loved me for it.

But then we started to fall apart, I kept realizing our current status needed to end. I needed a little breathing room. 

I want to make it clear I don’t resent you, and I don’t think I ever could. You have made me who I am.

Your addictive nature has given me strength, your soul sucking ways have granted me peace. I have become resilient, courageous, loving, honest, and kind because of you. Or should I say I genuinely became those things because of you. Fighting you. Putting up those boundaries, you have respected.

So I want to say, though we may have had our differences and our turbulence, thank you.

For proving to me I am a survivor.