So this is random. Feel free to ignore.

But I finally joined Pottermore (I’m not gonna lie solely to see what wand I’d get and house I would be sorted in) and I am baffled. 

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4 days ago · 1 note

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5 days ago · 1 note

I am on bed rest, yet again. 

And yet again, I trying to radically accept it. 

But at this moment I’m still pretty aggravated that I have to put my life on hold. One more time.

But since my sponsor is so kick ass she and a friend in the program brought a meeting to me today.

We read a story about a mix of having humility, and having a safe place in your life.

It made me realize I have been lacking the former lately.

I have certain aspects about myself that I have been making comments out my ass about. Things that I thought were contributing to conversations that were pure egotistical bullshit. Ok, yes I have certain aspects of myself that are unique or “above average” but I don’t have to go around being a dick about it.

I never really thought of myself as that egotistical of a person, but I think I’m still learning realities about myself. Seeing myself more clearly, and realizing I have some character defects I’ve never really worked on because I never thought they were a serious problem.

Well hello distorted reality! Haven’t acknowledged you in a while. 

Another defect that has been in full swing the past week or two is anger.

I do not get genuinely angry often. Pissed off, annoyed, and frustrated. Often. But actual anger is a rare occurrence for me.

But, because of certain situations that have developed, I have become angry numerous times. But because I rarely get angry, I never thought of it as a problem, so I’ve never really worked on it. Which isn’t a good thing.

I’m Irish, German, and Italian. That’s not the best combination when it comes to anger. I go from zero to two thousand very quickly, and at least 83% of the words that come out of my mouth are profanities. But, thankfully, I hardly ever direct my anger at someone. (It’s happened two times in my lifetime) Let’s just say, that is much more disturbing. 

So this week things have been brought to my attention that I need to work on, both with my sponsor and therapist(s). Which is a good thing. Genuinely.

Also, feel free to talk to me. I’ll be on here often. PLEASE. 

1 week ago · 3 notes

So this will probably seem really pathetic to some people, but I hit 50 followers. 

That’s fucking huge. 

I don’t know why 50 people want to read the shit I type, but I am thankful.

So, thank you. It means a lot.

I hope you can relate. Or at least I can make you laugh with my insanity.

I say this but nothing ever happens, but seriously I am always here to talk. Random to venting. Word. 

2 weeks ago · 3 notes

So a couple things have happened have happened since my last little ramble. Rant. Whatever. 

My depression has lessened, it’s still there but it’s turned into just numbness. Which is much more unsettling. Now that actually feeling has become my norm, numbness is extremely uncomfortable. Who would have thought I’d see this day? 

I finally got an appointment for a new provider after being in between services since February. It’s a dude, which I’m am slightly nervous about about considering how the last one went; but he was personable, funny and insightful, all within the first appointment. It was like a mini fifth step. haha

I’ve been physically doing things on a daily basis, and not just moping. I’ve been just getting my shit together. I still have a ways to go, but then again, I always do. 

I have a sponcee! This is my third one, and here’s hoping to it working out. The first one became a friend, and so did the second. But it would be nice to seriously work with someone. I am nervous, but everyone seems to agree this will be good for me. I am only responsible for myself, and my sobriety. I need to remember that. 

One thing I’m trying not to focus on, but obviously it’s on my mind since it’s coming up in this, is that a group of city people and my sponsor are coming to my Monday night meeting. This doesn’t happen. It’s like my social anxiety free zone, I’m comfortable there. It’s the meeting that keeps my truly grounded. And people who make me anxious are coming, so hello being self conscious! Yay. But it was bound to happen sooner or later, right? That’s what I’m telling myself at least. 

Also, I was bored so I went back to 2007 and got an AIM. It’s my url zabamabam if you ever wanna say something (cause my inbox is just so overflowing) feel free. It’s a mobile thing, so I’m always on. Please say who you are, and don’t be a creep. 

2 weeks ago · 0 notes

Over the past couple of days I have had some …interesting talks with my mother and my sponsor.

I actually pissed my sponsor off. That doesn’t happen often. Like ever. I was told I was acting like a five year old, which I guess I was. 

I know I’m depressed, I know I’m causing myself pain, I know I’m being self-destructive. I know how to get out of it. How to get out of my head, make steps to not sit in my shit and let the depression take over. I am just choosing not to do it. I am consciously making the choice. Which I have to come to realize affects more than me.

I have also been doing a lot of rationalizing and justifying in the past couple of days too. Just a under two weeks ago I was like, my mental health and addiction are interwoven, right? Now I was saying but they’re separate, I am no where near going back out, it’s just my mental health that’s fucked. It’s not my addiction. I have been apathetic towards the fact I’m in pain, I’ve just been fueling it. 

What fucking bullshit is that? I mean really?

I need to get my head space back, and make steps to get myself out of this depressed state. I can’t control my depression, but I can control how I react and deal with it. Maybe I should start doing that. Radical idea. 

I have reached out to someone sober. I am going to talk to my sponsor again today. I have talked to her everyday but Monday. That is a record for me. I am fighting back by doing things, instead of staying in my bedroom all day with the curtains drawn. (I have done that a lot recently) 

I’m not just going to be back to the place I was before this but I am finally making the decision to make steps to go back there. I am refusing to not sit in my shit anymore. 

That’s pretty big.　

3 weeks ago · 1 note